:: random rants ::

On Reading

The first line in a good book should either scare the crap out of you, or draw you in so deep that the bookstore attendant has to tap you on the shoulder to kick you out after closing time. So far, only a few books I've picked up in my life of reading have pulled me in so quickly. Most of the time, I read books to escape reality, so the fantasy and gruesome fiction genres are the ones that grab me first. If the cover has a certain author's name on it, I'll pick it up and look at the price. Then comes the reading of the blurb, usually located on the back cover, since I'm too cheap to buy hard-cover anymore. If I'm really intrigued, then I'll open up to the first page and start reading. Things ranging from the size and type of writing will set the tone, and the words again are secondary.

On Music

What is with this trend of making cover versions of old songs? Have people finally run out of ideas? I remember the start of it in the 1990s with "sampling", where a so-called artist would mix in the bass or melody track from an already well-known song to hook the listener in. Vanilla Ice was one of the first, who used a sample of Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure" to create the intro to his really shocking noise "Ice Ice Baby". Now, wherever you go and whatever you listen to, a new song comes up and you think "Where have I heard that before?". Dammit, even the latest trailer for "Lord of the Rings" Episode II has a reworking of a track from the movie "Requiem for a Dream". WHY ARE PEOPLE CASHING IN ON SOMEONE ELSE'S SUCCESS? AAAAAARGH!

On Computers

I hate the fuckers. Computers piss me off. I've been trained on how to fix them, so I see them going wrong more than other people do. I know more about them than I ever wanted to, but that's life. I can't sit down at a computer without waving good bye to two hours of my life. No kidding. This exercise that you're reading now was supposed to be a little essay on the Human Condition. I don't even think I wrote about that by the end of this. Fuck it. Computers are going to take over the world, but not the way Terminator said. Little by little, people are not going out as much, and soon we'll be too lazy and fat to leave the house. Computers 1, Humans 0.

On Mineral Water

Beautiful stuff, eh? All the right trace elements of metal, minerals, and shit. No, really. e.Coli and Flouride in the same water. On the other hand, if I go to the hospital and squeeze out a baby (I'm a man, by the way - it's not going to happen), I'm going to want to look after this kid like it was my own. Er, yes. Anyway, I'll give this kid some formula, since I don't lactate (I'm a guy, remember?), and I'll prepare it by boiling water, cleaning out the bottle, and all the shit that goes with it, if you'll excuse the expression. Then as I'm taking the bottle to the baby, I'll wipe my nose. Then I'll handle the bottle again. So will the kid. See where I'm going? Who gives a RAT'S ASS if there's trace elements of e.Coli in the damn water if you're just going to pass on germs to your newborn anyway? Huh? Explain that one to me! I'd sooner the kid builds up a decent immune system, so that when he does drink oh-so-tasty mineral water, his body will simply flush out the shit.

On Telephones

I'd like to know who the hell it was who decided that telephones had to be answered within three rings. Whoever it was didn't live in a damn boarding school with slippery stairs and the junior rooms right at the top of the damn building.

On Driving

If I catch the bastard who let all of these wankers on the road when it rains, I swear I'll drive him over with my Ford. I figure that's enough punishment. After all, if I am going to be run over, at least I want to be hit by a Lamborgini and go out in style. Anyway, I digress. One damn drop of rain on the road, and the people in this city go mad. We should ban everyone who hasn't been overseas from driving in the rain. They piss me off.

On Bad Service

I walked into a McDonald's today. Yes, I was in a hurry and not too worried about my health. And yes, I saw the sign that said "Surgeon General's Warning: Our food is unhealthy for you and makes you fat". Anyway, this place I went into was really busy, as usual, so I stood in the queue. Eventually I was seen to by a young woman behind the counter. I asked, quite clearly, for a "Number 1 McMeal, with a Coke". Back in the old days, I asked for a Big Mac Combo, but no one knows what that is anymore, so the #1 Meal is the equivalent. She then asked, "Ok, so you want a large McMeal?" I say "No, I didn't ask for large, I just want the regular meal." She then said, "Ok, so you want the Quarter Pounder with Cheese." I replied very loudly, "No, I asked for the Number 1 McMeal, which as the menu above your head states, comprises one Big Mac, one box of regular fries, and one drink of my choice, which is Coke. Open your ears." She looks new, which explains why she then asks one of her colleagues to ring up my order, which comes to R20.95. I hand over a fifty, and the guy says, "You don't have a R1 coin." Unsure whether this is a question or a statement, I said "No, I thought the R50 would suffice." The young girl delivers my order on a tray. I say to her, "You can get me a little brown bag for this, because I wanted it to take away, but thanks for asking anyway." She gives me a puzzled look and puts the three items into a brown paper packet. She forgets the straw, the ketchup and the serviettes. I was in a hurry, so I left, muttering about bad service.

Copyright © 20/04/2003 Randolph Potter

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