(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
Baby:
The other, other white meat.
What’s red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What’s more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
Ripping it off.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
What’s more fun than spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100mph?
Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok).
What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.
How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
Gouge its eyes out.
What is better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
Tying them to your wheels and skidding.
How do you make a baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of baby.
What should you do if you can’t slow down when there’s a baby in the road?
Put on your windscreen wipers.
What’s red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
What’s white and goes up and down in a baby’s cot?
1. A paedophile’s backside.
2. Michael Jackson.
What has four legs, one arm, and a big smile?
A Rottweiller on a children’s playground.
What’s black and bangs on glass?
A baby in a microwave oven.
What’s two feet tall and can’t turn around in passages?
A baby with a javelin through its head.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, depending on how hard you throw it.
How many babies does it take to tile a floor?
One, if you slice it really thin.
What’s pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.
What’s pink and red, sits in a corner, and gets shorter and shorter?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
What’s pink and red and sits in all four corners of a room?
A baby playing with a chainsaw.
Why should you put a baby into a blender feet first?
To see the expression on its face.
Why should you put a baby into a blender head first?
To see its toes curl.
What’s yellow, lies in the veld, and rustles?
A baby in a plastic shopping bag.
What’s white, stiff, nine inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?
Cot death.
What’s worse than putting ten babies into a dustbin?
Putting one baby into ten dustbins.
What’s worse than that?
A whole heap of dead babies.
What’s worse than that?
One at the bottom is still alive.
What’s worse than that?
He’s eating his way to the top.
What’s worse than that?
He’s going back for seconds.
What’s the difference between a truckload of hay and a truckload of babies?
The hay doesn’t scream when you offload it with a pitchfork.
What’s the difference between spaghetti and a baby?
The baby won’t slip off the fork.