(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and give it a blow job.
Did you hear about the new German Microwave Oven?
It seats 500.
How can you tell if you’re at a bulemic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first *and* third in a masturbation contest.
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don’t get blowjobs while they’re driving.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn’t come all over your face until you’re 14.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Why don’t women have men’s brains?
Because they don’t have a penis to keep it in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They’re usually intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock.
Why is his pee yellow and sperm white?
So he can tell if he’s coming or going.
What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
1) Vomit.
2) Cot death.
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
What two words will clear out a men’s restroom?
“Nice Dick!”
What’s charred and stands between two sticks?
A burnt cripple.
What does a 14 year old girl from Tasmania say after the first time that she has sex?
“Get off me, Dad. You’re crushing my cigarettes.”
What do you call a successful masturbation by a 90 year old man?
Miracle whip.
What is the best way to brainwash your wife?
Stand on her enema bag.
Why shouldn’t you buy a woman a watch?
Because there’s a clock on the stove.
How do you piss your girlfriend off when you’re having sex?
You phone her up.
What’s the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
Getting the wheelchair through the door.
Why hasn’t a woman walked on the moon?
Because it doesn’t need cleaning!
What does WIFE stand for?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.
How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one … but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.
What’s the best part of marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once.
How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the guts.
What do Lebanese women and ice-hockey players have in common?
They both change clothes after three periods!
Why are women like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think we care.
What do you call the useless flesh which surrounds a vagina?
A woman.
What’s 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A conga in an old people’s home.
How did the Tasmanian woman know that her daughter was having her period?
She could taste the blood on her son’s cock.
What do you do when the dishwasher quits working?
Smack her across the face.
Why did the woman cross the road?
The question really is “What the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?”
What’s worse than silicone tits?
A cardboard box.
What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
An armadildo.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
Why did the sweet little girl fall off of the swing?
She had no arms.
How do you get 99 sweet little 80 year old ladies to say “Fuck”?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to say “Bingo!”
What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep.
What does a woman and a postage stamp have in common?
You lick ‘em, stick ‘em and send them on their way.
Why did God invent women?
To clean the bathroom and kitchen.
Why did the condom fly around the room?
Because it got pissed off.
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Stroganoff.
Why was the faggot fired from his job at the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
“You can keep the tip.”
Why was the leper prostitute going broke?
All her business was dropping off.
What’s the most disgusting thing about fucking little kids?
Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
What do you call a fag bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Someone is losing a trailer.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Gee, that’s neat, but can it pick up peanuts?
What do a Bungee Jump and a Hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, last only a few seconds and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.
What kind of bees makes the best milk?
Boo-Bees.
What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Alotofsoreass.
Have you heard about the new mint flavoured birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They’re called “Predickamints”.
How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold my penis … the ladder! the ladder!