(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

Faith Moves Mountains

Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette, two Irish nuns, are driving alone out in the boonies when they run out of petrol. Fortunately they can walk to a gas station not far away, where they ask to purchase a can of petrol. “I’m sorry, sister,” says the attendant, “but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot.”

The nuns agree that this will be fine. They return to the car. As they are pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drives by, stops his car, and says, “Oh, sisters, if only I had your faith.”

Nuns in Transylvania

The same two Irish nuns are travelling through Transylvania on holiday. As they are driving through the winding mountain roads, Count Dracula appears and lands on the car’s bonnet, and clings onto the front of the car. The nuns get the fright of their lives, and Sister Bernadette slams on the brakes to try and get rid of the vampire.

Dracula doesn’t budge however, and hisses at the two nuns through the windscreen. Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette and says, “Sister Bernadette, turn on the windscreen wipers! That will get him off the car.” So Sister Bernadette turns on the windscreen wipers, but Dracula holds on.

Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette again and says, “Sister Bernadette, I filled the water reservoir with Holy Water. Spray him with it! That will surely get rid of him.” So Sister Bernadette pulls back on the windreeen water nozzle lever, and sprays the gruesome vampire with Holy Water, but he still does not move.

As a last resort, Sister Mary says, “Sister Bernadette! Show him your cross!”

So Sister Bernadette leans out the side window and says, “Get the fuck off my car!”

Nuns in America (Part I)

Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette are now on their way to visit America, after the Mother Superior from the New York branch has invited them across. And of course, both nuns are extremely awestruck about the whole issue. They have even heard stories about how Americans eat dogs, and they are curious.

So the nuns arrive in New York and are walking along 5th Avenue when they see a hot dog vendor selling his goods. Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette and says, “Look, Sister Bernadette. Let us investigate this eating of dogs that we have heard about.”

They approach the vendor and Sister Bernadette asks for two “dogs”. They watch as the man pulls out two packets, opens them slightly, and applies the mustard and tomato sauce. They walk over to a bench and sit down. Sister Mary is the more inquisitive of the two and opens her packet first.

Quickly, she shuts it again, and whispers to the other nun, “Sister Bernadette, which part did you get?”

Nuns in America (Part II)

So Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette are walking into town when they get dragged into an alley by two rather large guys and raped. As the proceedings are getting under way Sister Bernadette cries out, “Father forgive this man, for he knows not what he does.”

Sister Mary groans, “Tough luck, mine does!”

Nuns in America (Part III)

The same two nuns get into town a bit shaken and Sister Mary says to Sister Bernadette, “How are we going to tell Mother Superior that we were raped twice?”

Sister Bernadette says, “Twice? What do you mean twice? We were only raped once!”

Sister Mary replies, “Well we are going back that way aren’t we?”

Nuns in America (Part IV)

Anyway they get back to the convent (or nunnery if you will) and explain their situation to Mother Superior. She tells them to do 10 Hail Marys, say 20 Our Fathers and suck two lemons.

Sister Mary says, “Will sucking lemons help absolve us from our sins?” to which the Mother Superior replies “No, but it’ll get those silly grins off your faces.”

Nuns in America (Part V)

Nine months go by and Sister Bernadette gives birth. It’s really easy to hide a pregnancy under those habit things. Not knowing what to do, she decides to go and find Mother Superior and tell her the problem. She eventually finds Mother Superior asleep in the chapel. Seeing an oportunity too good to miss, she places the baby on the ground at the Mother Superior’s feet and gaps it.

Mother Superior wakes up a while later to the sound of crying baby. The first words to escape her are “DAMN! Can’t even trust the altar candles anymore!”