(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

that when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”

that she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

that just after she was born, her mother said “What a treasure!” and her father said,
“Yes, let’s go bury it.”

that they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

that they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower.

that they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

that instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.

that when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.

that her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.

that her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

that when she walks down the street in September, people say “Damn, is it Halloween already?”

that the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.

that they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

that she made an onion cry.

that when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours … for a quote.

that she tried to take a bath the water jumped out.

that even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her.

that Ted Dansen wouldn’t date her.

that for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone.

that she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it.

that she turned Medusa to stone.

that the NHL banned her for life.

that she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!

that people go as her for Halloween.

that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

that she scares the roaches away.

that I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

that she’d make a train take a dirt road.

that her face is closed on weekends.

that she could be the poster child for birth control.

that if my dog looked like her, I’d shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards.

that when she was born the doctor slapped her mother and apologised to her father.

that when she was born, her mother saw the afterbirth and said “Twins!”

that they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock.

that she could scare the moss off a rock.

that she could scare the chrome off a bumper.

that when she cries the tears run up her face.

that her mother had to feed her with a sling shot.

that the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

that when she went to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.

that she has three teeth … one in her mouth and two in her pocket.