(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

that when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.

that her nickname is “DAMN”.

that she eats Wheat Thicks.

that we’re in her right now.

that people jog around her for exercise.

that she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

that she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.

that I have to roll over twice to get off her …

that she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new world.

that she lies on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.

that when you get on top of her your ears pop.

that when she has sex, she has to give directions.

that she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”

that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say “Taxi!”

that she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

that she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

that she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

that when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.

that when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.

that the highway patrol made her wear “Wide Load”.

that when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

that when she steps on a scale, it read “one at a time, please”.

that when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.

that she fell in love and broke it.

that when she gets on the scale it says “to be continued …”

that when she gets on the scale it says “we don’t do livestock”.

that her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs.

that she’s got her own area code.

that she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen.

that God couldn’t light Earth till she moved.

that NASA has to orbit a satellite around her.

that whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in.

that when she plays hopscotch, she goes Cape Town, New York, L.A., London …

that she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.

that even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction.

that her legs is like spoiled milk – white & chunky.

that you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her.

that I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch’s good side.

that she wakes up in sections.

that when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER.

that she was mistaken for God’s bowling ball.

that she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar.

that when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun.

that when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell.

that when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck.

that she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

that her family photographs have to be arial views.

that she’s on both sides of the family.

that she fell and made the Grand Canyon.

that she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in.

that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

that even her clothes have stretch marks.

that she has a wooden leg with a kickstand.

that she has to use a VCR as a beeper.

that she broke her leg, and gravy poured out.

that when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearing tights.

that she got hit by a parked car.

that they have to grease the bath tub to get her out.

that she has a runner in her jeans.

that they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.

that when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

that she has to buy two airline tickets.

that when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

that the animals at the zoo feed her.

that when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

that the AIDS quilt wouldn’t cover her.

that she stands in two time zones.

that she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

that you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

that when the bitch goes to an All You Can Eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

that she can’t tie her own shoes.

that she sets off car alarms when she runs.

that she can’t reach her back pocket.

that when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back.

that she uses Giant Redwoods to pick her teeth.

that the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.

that she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

that she uses a mattress for a tampon.

that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.

that she hoola-hooped the Superbowl.

that she was baptised in the ocean.

that they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

that when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”

that when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow.

that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

that the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts.

that we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

that a picture of her would fall off the wall.

that if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance.

that she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it’s-coming-towards-us.

that if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it.

that I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.

that at the zoo the elephants started throwing *her* peanuts.

that everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

that she won “Miss Bessie the Cow 1997″.

that she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals.

that when she walks past the TV, you miss 5 minutes of the show.

that she needs a boomerang to put on her belt.